Merry Christmas everyone. I hope tommorrow is filled with magic for you all. Open presents, eat, drink and take care of your beautiful selves.

I am not doing so bad. Trying so hard to slow the chaos of my binging, and shock horror - keep some food inside me. Last night i kept down dinner for the first time in so very long, and i felt proud. I'm also concentrating on abandoning such rigid rituals, instead of mixing and choping, i find a distraction. It feels strange to actual taste the different foods when i don't mash it all into one great lump. I drank my tea without a teaspoon and i know it sounds like a ridiculous acomplishment but i can't even remember when i last managed that.

Sugar levels are harder, i suppose it's just a slight background shadow, of reasurance and comfort. They have been high, but not off the meter, which is a step in the right direction.

I don't want to worry people. I want to do it for them. For my brother, my Mum. They shouldn't have to wonder whether i'm puking upstairs, i can't ruin their Christmas.

It can be okay. For the New Year i have to make some changes, i won't be in the same dire state for the whole of 2005, i wouldn't be able to stand it. I'll either end up dying from disordered complications or kill myself. Probably the first option as the second fires too many selfish stab wounds.

I concentrate on the pain, the frustration of rebelling against the sickness, the guilt. That is my punishment for now. Enduring such panic and fear, knotted up inside, but no blood split over the carpet.

I've even asked Mum to take the battery out of the scales. I know that any sharp increase of numbers would send me straight to the fridge and on to the bathroom to rid myself of all i could. I t's terrifying, it really is, but i just keep telling myself that i can always go back, it will be so easy to drop again, can always go back, can always go back.

I will try. I may fail. I binged late last night, i threw up the lunch i had with Dad today, but tonight can be different, and so can tommorrow, and the next day.

Wishing you all an amazing Christmas. xoxoxo