It isn't working.

I was up at 2 this morning, disturbed by racing thirst, legs lagging beneath me as i tried to force myself out of bed. I sat downstairs for a while, the only noise a ticking clock and my cat snoring on her cushion. It came from nowhere, tears, droplets skimming down my cheeks, stinging my eyes with the left overs of New Year's mascara. For a moment i just felt fragile, like i could fall to the floor and break into a million little pieces.

I do so desperately want to get better, or somewhere feel i need to. But, how? Every day i try and it never goes anywhere good. Christmas was better, i had a good time. I did eat and reduced the purging, but really, deep down i was kidding myself at times, by keeping my blood sugars of the scale, which is useless really, just another way of cleansing myself of fat and calories. Since then, i have been binging more and losing hope. I can't help it, the snow around me is not melting, it is freezing and burning into my skin. Preserving me for another year of hell.

I wish i hadn't discovered it now, but i have gained weight. In a manic period yesterday i searched the house for the scale battery, eventually finding it in an obvious place on Mum's dressing table. I paced my bedroom with anxiety, shaking, deathly cold in my underwear, shrowded in a tone of blue. Stepping onto the white block i covered the last digit with my foot, just to delay the panic. I was up by nearly 7 pounds, my heart sank with any false reserves that perhaps it would be okay and i'd been worrying about nothing. I expected this, i tried to prepare myself and reset the values in my mind, but when it comes down to it, i just can't cope. It's too much.

Standing there, i looked down upon my fading body and winced. Instead of focusing on the ridges and slight dents of bone i lingered over a bloated stomach. Pressing a palm into the flesh i yearned to push it away, but as i take my hand away it just comes back. My skin is awfully dry at the moment, coated in a layer of white, trying on a top in a store a couple of days ago i left flakes all over the inside. It was disgusting, i pity whoever put it on next.

I just can't get out of this on my own. I know that the logic solution is resendential care, hospital. To do that i'd have to leave college, and i couldn't, not now. Combined with my lack of trust and general reluctancy it seems like a faulty option.

Maybe i'm scared of success. If i am well i might get somewhere, i might reach full potential. I might be able to study, it could be too easy. I don't deserve that.

& so i just keep struggling, breathing through this thick mist. No end in sight. I'm very depressed.

If i take my prozac it knocks me straight out, i'm in a constant numb daze, sleeping for hours straight and waking up just as tired as before. If i skip it, or forget, i still feel blank. Staring at a computer screen or open book, words just a blur. I have so much work to do, two essays for Tuesday and not a sentence started. I'm such a mess inside, useless.

So useless.