Friday, Apr. 05, 2002/3:17

thinking

oh god lots has happened lateley, i dunno if it's good or bad though. My brother saw cuts on my leg and told my mum. She had a go at me as usual. Saying that i have no reason to do it etc. I just told her to leave me alone. She hasn't got a clue. She made me a bloody doctors apt. and i suprised myself by going. Frances came with me. Frances is one of the 3 friends that know everything about my "problems. The doctor is refering me to get some help. Basically a shrink. I havn't decided if i'm gonna go yet. I don't know if i want to get better or not. Been realising a few things lateley, about myself. I still can't understand most of the stuff that goes on in my head but i guess i've been thinking a bit more lateley. Im scared to think, when i'm alone with my thoughts i always try to escape them. I ring people which i know really pisses my friends off. I write, play music loudley or watch any crap on TV - anything to avoid whats going on in my fucked up head. I guess i don't want to think because it's always so confusing. I can't figure out what i'm feeling. Another thing i realised is that how my life is so rulered because i'm so scared of people getting to know me. I know taht if they do then they'll hate me. It's happened loads before. I've become good freinds with someone and then they'll realise i'm crap person. It happened with charlie, Lil, Louise, Rosie and Cassie - Cassie is quite a good freind of mine but she messes me around all the time. she's only my friend when it's convenient for her and when it's not she can make me feel shit. Even my best friends; Frances and Imo, i never really beleive that they actually do like me because why the hell would they? I try not to annoy them but i also cling to them because i'm scared of them deciding they don't like me anymore.

Anyway, i better finish this entry because i've written loads and i keep going on and on about everything, sorry!