Friday, Apr. 19, 2002/4:36

secrets

I feel like everything is starting to catch up with me at the moment. I can't believe this has happenned but it seems that everyone knows everything now. Frances kept hinting to Gwen and Bryan that i had "secrets" and they kept going on about it. They guessed it all! - about the cutting and bulimia, I think frances must have given them a few clues though.

No matter how hard i lie they know i'm lying. Of corse they've told others and now people keep saying they care about me and they're concerned and all that crap and i just feel like telling them to fuck off because they are not my real freinds. It's just something for them to talk about.

Katie wrote me a nice letter though. She used to self harm a bit and starve herself because she had no confidence. She's ok now because we all helped her out of it. She says that she wouldnt have been able to do it without us, and the letter asked me to please stop hurting myself and that she knows what i'm going through. I know she must think that i should be able to stop because she did, but i'm in it much deeper than she was and i can't seem to just deal with emotions properly instead of reaching for a razor blade.

I went for my wrists again the other day. I was really trying to stop that cos i know how dangerous it is but sometimes i just get so carried away i just think that it would make no differnce if i did die. i don't think i want to kill myself, i'm pretty selfless person, a doormat to be exact. I just get so out of control. My life is just so tiering. i can't get out of all these viscous circles, starving, bingeing, vomitting, starving... and the cutting just feels like it's helping but i suppose it dosn't really. I just wish i could be normal. A normal teenager with a normal life, but what is normal exactley?