Friday, May. 10, 2002/7:41

I'm a selfish, attention seeking bitch

No one understands me, what im about and why i do these things. Im starting to think that my friends really have no idea what i have become.

Frances tells me what she thinks of me all the time, whether i want to hear it or not. She thinks i cut and purge to achieve something, attention, self pity. Thats not true, the cutting helps me but i do not want to do it. it's like i have to. To keep me sain and feeling alive. On cut can release a magnitude of hurt even though it creates pain anyway which is kinda ironic. Sometimes i feel so alone and unwanted, like i need attention but i dont do this stuff to achieve it, no way. i think people that do that are totally sick.

She also says im selfish and a bad friend but i really am confused by that. I care so much for other people, too much and she's just thrown it back in my face. she said that i was a bad friend because i kept asking her if she was ok?! That's just me being concerned. I try so hard to make sure everyones happy and fine. I wouldnt want any of the people i know to ever feel how i am feeling, ever, though i know i'd never be able to stop it anyway. I have always thought i am a bad freind, just because i am me, i don't get why anyone should have to put up with me at all. Frances has made that fear so much worse.

I don't do this stuff delibrartley to hurt the people around me. Thats what frances implied, she said that i am selfish because i keep doing all this crap even though people care about me. BUT i cant stop!!! I try, i try do much. My friends don't get that. Especially with the cutting. I have really slowed down lately. Though i am so used to this. It seems like all i am anymore is these problems. I've been taken over by them and i can't escape, it's suffocating.

I let people walk all over me, use me, treat me how they want to and i loathe myself so much. Im tearing myself apart. I have never put myself first! i put myself last, less important than everyon else. If i really am selfish then theres another thing to hate myself for. I bet if anyone is reading this they'll be thinking "why is she trying to defend herself, she's a selfish bitch really" - i'm just trying to explain myself. Myself, of which i don't truly understand anyway.

It's funny how in a previous entry i actually wrote i was "a pretty selfless person" comments like these from Frances made can affect me so much. selfish, selfish, selfish, A BAD FRIEND, AN AWFUL FRIEND. why would she say that if it wasn't true? See, now im starting to believe it all myself. There are two conciences in my head now. One's calling me a selfish, attention seeking cow and the others saying that it's her who's wrong. God, i am so mixed up inside.