Sunday, Jun. 09, 2002/12:07

Everythings shattered

I cant believe this has happened. Everyhtings so messed up. Firstly, Frances told her Mum all about me, everyhting i'd confided in her. She's ruined that faint trust i had in her. I cant even be angry, even though inside i know i'm full of rage i couldnt let that out on her. Inflict insult on her, i know she must have done it because she wants to help me but the thing is that right now, i dont want to get help. I feel so misunderstood, so victimised.

Her mum rang up my Mum! and told her all that she knew through Frances. We had another big argument yesterday about it. She said that i'd lied to her, told her i'd stopped. What does she expect? It's shameful, i cant sit down with her and talk to her about the obsession cutting and purging has become. That i'm stuck in a never ending circle, that im so scared. Thats part of the explanation to why i never stopped. She must think i can just switch all this crap off or something. She's taken the lock off the bathroom door and taken all the scissors away. I have no privacy, i want to run away, far away, where i can be myself and never have to hide my feelings, where people will understand me, and wont judge me for what i do. I know theres probabley no such place like this, im just dreaming. I wouldnt run away, it's just a wish.

This week i had decided i was going to start starving. Only eat enough to satisfy my mum and then purge it. i was going to lie, alot, it was the only way to keep my friends happy. Tell them i was getting help, that i was gradually stopping. When all the while i'd secretley be dropping the pounds, i'd tell no one, it would be my secret. That was the plan, now it seems shattered. No lock on the bathroom door, people watching me constantly, i dont know what to do.

I want to feel my ribcage sticking out from my skin, and feel awful hunger pains, telling me i'm losing weight. I havnt written about last year in here yet so well heres the deal; I was starving myself, to about 100 cals a day near the end, and purging practically everyhting of what i did eat also. Every day i used to go running, cycling and do up to 200 situps. The lowest weight i reached was 99 pounds, from about 124. My periods completley stopped for about 4 months. I was still so fat, but i was on my way to happiness, thin and pretty was all i wanted. Then all the effort got broken. My mum caught me purging, it was awful, i still remember it so vividly. I was forced to try and stop. The it was Christmas and i went from undereating to overeating, still purging but i gained weight. I feel cheated, and so stupid for letting go of the control. 99 pounds isnt that low at all, I want to be back there, i want to loose more, keep going, decreasing the calories and grams of fat. I dont deserve food, my body dosnt need nutrients. Emptyness feels so much better anyway. I could live off of myself for years.

It was a focus, i wanted to achieve something for once in my life. A pathetic aim? - It felt like everyhting and it still does.

This is going to be so hard. Maybe i'll just have to try to eat normally for a few weeks until i gain trust and my mum put the lock back on. Then i could diet, but i cant get get through even a day without purging. I dont want food inside me, i wont be able to stand it. Right now, i want to scream so loudley, high pitched and cry my tired eyed out until their sore, but i cant. Its all locked inside, desperate to be let out.