Wednesday, Jun. 12, 2002/9:18

Broken promises

My Mum put the lock back on the bathroom door. I persuaded her through promise. Like every promise i seem to make lateley i've broken it. She's still dosnt trust me with anything sharp, she would even give me notice board pins yesterday. I'm ok for now, using blunt knives, and burning with my curling irons to help me, and wake me from trance. Though i'll have to buy some new razor blades tommorrow. I wont be able to make do like this for long.

I did start my "diet" on Monday. I hope i wont break, i cant, not now. I need to get where i want to be. I have to be so careful with whats happened latley with my mum finding out. Though so far, she seems to believe that im stopping it all. The pieces of shattered glass can hopefully be glued back together. Everything that was runied, all my secrecy can be reformed with lies, . I do feel guitly for it but i'm lying for everyone else, to save them from hurt. I havnt got better at all. Im dont want to. I eat nothing during the day until dinner where i eat as little as possible. Then I say i'm going in the bath and then i purge whilst i run the water, until acid burns my throat and everyhtings inside me has gone. It feels so good to see the weight on the scale decrease every day.

Yesterday i got so freaked out at school. I couldn't cope with everyone, everywhere around me. I always feel like that anyway. Like i'm being watched and stared at. I'm so self conscious. Even breathing was difficult, my chest was beating so hard and fast. I thought i was going to collapse. I kept shoutng and pushing things over without a care, control seemed to be completley lost. It was so frightening.

I have no energy right now, even typing is wearing me out but i have to do 170 situps before i go to bed. It's taken me 45 minutes to write this crappy entry!