Friday, Jun. 14, 2002/12.31am

failure

Todays been awful. It started to go downhill this morning when i had a low blood sugar level so that gave me an excuse to eat. I stayed off school again, bordem set in, food was just taunting with me, i'm such a fucking failure. It's not even been a week and i'm already bingeing. I feel totally gross. My throat is so sore from purging, it really hurt the last time especially(which was about 20 minutes ago) Parts of ths skin on my hand have been torn and theres a really dark bruise over one of my knuckles where it rubs on my teeth. ugh, i feel so repulsed by myself, no one will ever want me if i look like this.

My best friend Imo (who moved to Norfolk 2 years ago) told me that she made herself sick because she had a migraine. A migraine!??? I couldnt believe it. I'm so upset by it, and so worried that she'll do it again because she'll know it's an option now. Something she knows she can do if she needs to. She hates her weight too, and shes been on some stupid diets in the past. It makes me so angry and frustrated. She really has no idea what its like. I know that sounds quite harsh but i asked her what she was thinkin when she did it and she said "no idea" I keep thinking she might have done it to spite me because she kept saying i couldnt tell her not to do it. I'd never want her to feel like i do right now. I really hope she never does.

I want to hurt for everyone else.

Shed blood for them.

Be brusied by their pain.

They should never have to take it.

I'm useless, let me suffer.