Tuesday, Jun. 18, 2002/10:58

seeing red

My body is a mess of new gashes.

On my legs, both arms, my stomach. I want everyhting out of me. All the bad stuff, all the hurt thats mounted up. I need the pain. I need punishment. punishment for being the person i am. Annoying, stupid, pathetic...

I had to cut at school today, with my razor. I thought i was going to break down if i didnt. The tension felt like burning electricity running through my veins, it needed release.

I got into quite a panic afterwards because it kept bleeding for ages. I soaked loads of tissues red and my school shirt has blood all over the sleeves. i dont know what i'm going to do with it, my mum cant see it, she's totally freak out at me again.

That sharp, shiny blade feels so right when I hold it in my hand, i know it can help me. When it pierces down into my skin, i hope that all my worries will be gone when the bubbles of red spill from my inflictions. I went a whole week last week without one real cut but this week i'm just doing it over a over again. Its dominating me, the only easy path i can see to take. All my life seems to be about these days is blood, blades and bulimia.