Wednesday, Jun. 19, 2002/11:22

a helpless case

Cassie's really angry at me because i dont think i can or want to, get help. She hung up on me again, she keeps doing that when i need to talk to her. Just like all of my friends. I'm there for them contantly, but as soon as i need support they get nervous because they dont understand me, and maybe they dont want to.

I find it to hard to lie to cassie because she's told me so much, placed all her trust in me. Though i need to protect everyone from what i'm doing, to myself. I'm fading away completley, seperating myself from my friends. I don't seem to sence anyhting anymore. No one can reach me, pull me from this state. Sometimes i just want to dissolve away completeley, until im little frangments of dust on the floor.

That sounds bloody insane!!!

Help scares me. It's a move away from this place, this place i'm used to. I don't think im at all strong enough to fight to get better. It seems impossible.

Of course, i want to be happy, though happiness for me seems to involve minimizing weight.

I stare at the pictures in "Vogue" of Kate Moss and all the other skinny, beautiful models. There bodys are so slender, faultless, perfect. Perfection is what i want. I need to be pushed furthur, im FAT. I should be able to feel good about myself if if i am thin.

It's the only thing i want to reach right now, recoverys pointless. It's not what i want. Anyway, thers much more deserving, important people than me, that need the help. I should just be left in this mess. I did this to myself anyway. It's ALL MY fault, no one else should have to deal with it.

Bulimia, feels almost, secure. Something i always can return to, something ongoing. It gives me some say over myself. That control, over my body.

In reality it feels asthough i am in control but the obsession is now controlling me. I cant cope without it, im dependent apon it.

Of corse, i hate throwing up every day, leaning over the toliet, retching until my nose runs and forced, emotionless water stream. My hand bled quite alot today, and i'm a bit worried that blood is coming up with the food. I've noticed redness amongst it all week. Though i'm still not sure. it's probabley fine, im just making a fuss out of nothing.

Right now, i feel so deserted, So lost and vunrable. I need to retreat to a place where i feel safe. I'm caught in the arms of self injury.