Thursday, Jun. 20, 2002/10:24 pm

back in this familiar place...

I'm back here again. In this familiar place, with these reocurring thoughts floating around in my head.

My 'Brilliant' plans been stalled again.

Mum became suspicious of me.

She searched my room.

She found my new razors, hidden food and that school shirt with the blood on the sleeves.

She shouted, I shouted.

I repeatidly told her to leave me alone.

She acused me of lying, I lied even more.

I couldnt deny cutting, or not eating but i stared her right in the face and said i'd stopped purging.

It's awful here. i just hate it.

I'm confused about what to do. I cant think straight. I'm not going to try to right now.

Theres a heavy force weighing down apon me, an overwhelming feeling of despair. That numb feelings back, i think it may be with me forever.

I have this sick image that my body, my flesh, my bones is held together with knives, scissors and blades. If they are taken away i'll crumble, fall completely apart. I have an idea to smash a glass, when no ones around. I need the precious shards to make my vivid patterns. I could hide them somewhere where she'll never find them.

She cant make me eat. I'll have to find away not to. Hopefully purging will still be easy. Foods the enemy, i cant let it capture me.

Without control and release i have nothing.