Thursday, Jun. 27, 2002/7:58 pm

pretending

I dont know what to do, i dont think i can keep pretending. Telling everyone at school im fine and trying my hardest to act okay. Underneath im screaming, wearing away. This facade of semi-happiness is draining me.

I try my best to make sure everyones fine, talk to people about there problems if they'll let me. Most people will talk to me and i want to help my friends but sometimes its so pressuring. There worries on top of mine. Some of the time their worries seem so pety, typical teenage issues. Even if they are serious problems i always seem to be there for them but not equally vice versa. I need someone to talk to, just to vent everyhting out. Though saying that i feel selfish because why should they bother? im not important. With this i am talking about my friends at school by the way. My diaryland friends are loveley and help me alot, thankyou sharpsecret especially.

I need space to breathe, but i dont want to be on my own with my thoughts because i hate it. It's so bloody confusing. So basically i have to fake laughing, fake smiling, otherwise i'll just be seen as self pitying and concerned with only myself. I dont know if i can keep the act up for much longer. Ive been disgusing this for as long as i can remember. Covering it all up can be hard, when i feel like somethings died inside. I have actually been isolating myself from them all latley. people frighten me, im so scared of saying something stupid. i know i sound like a complete freak. Im seperating myslef more and more though.

Sometimes i go into a really crazy, hyper mood when im trying to hide the pain. I try to push everything away, to the back of my mind. Its like i become a different person when im like that. I even pretend to myself, when the depressions building up inside of me i just act normal and hope it will fade.