Thursday, Jul. 04, 2002/10:06 am

shameful

I know i wont reach my goal by the 21st. I'm so ashamed to write this but i'll never get there, not in 17 days anyway. I've lost a bit of weight but not alot. From saturday im going to restrict my eating furthur, but then again we've heard me say all this before.

Whats wrong with me? I want to be thin, but i keep ruining it. I continue to say i'm doing this, im doing that, cutting down the calories etc. but i never get far do i? I always fuck it up, i need more willpower. I'm such a waste of space, of air. I cant even bear to look at myself in the mirror. Constanly running through my head are thoughts of self hatred. I feel like such a let down.

//you fat cow, its everywhere, your arms, legs, face, STOMACH. Dont you want to be proud of yourself? Thin is whats right, boney skiny, happy Nothing else is important except this. Stop being so bloody weak You need to try so much harder//

Some of my friends want me to go to a club with them on saturday. The thought petrifies me completeley and i really dont know whether i could stand it. I'm scared of breaking down in front of everyone. They will all look so great, and ill look awful as usual. The little ugly friend that just tags along. They'll all be getting off with blokes and i couldn't, i just couldn't do that. The thought of anyone touching me like that makes me feel terrible, im so revolted by my body.

If i go it could be ok, i could have good time. Though theres a very high chance that i wouldnt. I might end up in the tolets all night, in a state. I really dont think i should go. I know im being very negative but I am so scared of stuff like this.