Monday, Jul. 08, 2002/12:14 am

shopping hell

I had to go into Guildford town today to buy new clothes for my work experience in a publishing house, office place.

That meant, changing rooms, trying on perfect clothes on an far from perfect body. Three way mirrors, and proud, pretty, twigs strutting around looking great. I felt so on edge all day. Like i could have exploded into a million pieces of torment, left scattered in the dirt.

Shopping used to be so simple to me, i used to love it, especially with Imo we would spend hours, stopping at lunch to have a mcdonalds. I used to always be the one who bought things on impulse and then usually changed my mind about it later, but she would choose and spend carefully. Thats all changed now. It's almost unbearable, trying to fit into things, being forced to look at my fat covered body laced with ugly cuts.

I cant stand my life. i don't want to live it, i really don't. The same routines that i cant change. The same anger and twisted thoughts continuing to build up inside me. I keep wondering what it's like to eat something and not feel any guilt whatsoever, or make a complete idiot of yourself without having to recieve self punishment later.

Right now im struggling with the that gift that could take away that burning, hatred spurned force, thats stored up inside me yet again. I need to hack myself to pieces, rip myself apart, feel the pain of the glass slashing through the surface.