Monday, Jul. 22, 2002/1:54 pm

A weekend i wish i could forget.

The past couple of days have been really bad. I've been furthurly ingorged with thoughts and reminders of self loathing, this tunnel im chained in has become slightly blacker. My moods are always a flurry of randomness, at the moment i seem to be plumeting downwards.

I weighed myself on saturday morning and i hadn't done for maybe a week or so, the number blinking back at me on the scales made me feel awful, and uncomfortable. Then, when i purged i made the idotic, stupid mistake of not checking that i'd cleaned the toilet properly afterwards, and guess what? my mum saw it. I was so angry with myself for being such a fool and not checking i'd left the bathroom right, we had an argument and i stormed out to meet up with Frances in the town which i had agreed to do previousley. On the way to the town by chance i saw Cassie, walking somewhere. She could tell somnthing was up and asked me if i was ok but i walked straight past her with my head down muttering that i was fine in the direction of the floor. I couldnt even look at her, i just wanted to get away from her as fast as possible. i was really anxious and panicy. I can't accept this weight surrounding me, i hate everyone seeing it.

When i got to the town i met frances and for the rest of the day kept up a cheery mood for her sake, i wouldnt dare tell her how i was really feeling inside. I returned home at about 11.30pm discovered that my mum had been through my wardrobe. She'd found things that i didn't ever want anyone to see; a bag filled with old clothing that i had to use to wipe my mouth on when i had to resort to purging into plastic bags, i'm sorry , i know how sick that sounds. I had planned to wash them sometime when everyone was out.

Anyway, i lied, of corse i lied. I've been lying to everyone alot latley, slipping furthur and futhur away from them, their cold touch not even trying to reach me anymore. I told her that i'd only done it a couple of times recently, but that im trying, really trying to stop but that she cant just expect it to be easy. Where's the Claire who use to believe in honesty so much? it seems my values have amounted to nothing.

I've told my friends that i havnt cut for over three weeks and purged for a while either, i feel so guilty about it. I just don't want them knowing anything about me anymore, i don't want them exposed to my trecherous world. I need to protect them.

Since Saturday i've been wandering along, still displaying this pretence that covers my crushed state. My eatings been all over the place, one moment im practically eating nothin next im filling myself up with food im not even properly tasteing. I saw blood again, when i purged, a little bit. I thought it had stopped but i was wrong, i'm always wrong. I hadn't cut myself for a while but last night i succumbed to the temptation. It was quite deep, only 7 times but with a three bladed razor. It took a long time for the bleeding to stop. I was holding tissues over my slashed arm for what seemed like hours, the hurt washing out of me.

It looks asthough i will get away with this close call, once again. My mum and my friends are taking these cover up stories. As long as they don't know the truth i'll be fine.