Sunday, Jul. 28, 2002/12:04 am

so alone

so alone...

so desolate...

an empty house, a frightened girl, scared to keep living this way.

My thighs carved up, vodkas floating round my bloodstream, these purple valleys, standing out on my wrists beg to be slit, just slightly, enough to feel the fear, enough to be drenched in pools of pain.

Let me drop to the ground, hear the sound of my dignity crash. Though you don't turn around, don't even check to see whats happened, just carry on.

Theres no one i can talk to here. Theres no one i would feel right venting my worries too. NO-ONE. Sometimes, i mutter hints, words that just seem to come randomly, that maybe im not coping, that i'm not fine, but no one can make sence of me, im so irrational. Not one person has time for me, i feel so left here, camouflaged by deceit, lies. I cant speak a word to anyone about anyhting anymore, so i just do the opposite and try to bottle it up inside, holding it closley, my secret, the only thing i have left. I wonder if they can see through me, they must sometimes. Cassie said she didnt know if she believed that i was okay but i just swallowed the pleading sentences down and kept silent. If I confessed the truth of how messed up i am to anyone, i know their thoughts would be in another place. I'm just stupid self conscious claire with issues, issues that make me so different in their minds.

I feel hollow, this hollow shell that wants to give way, give up. Maybe it has all ready. It's like theres nothing worthwhile inside me, it's all been rinsed out, all thats left is these dominating obsessions, empty feelings that won't leave.

There was a time when i didn't realise what i was doing. Then i use to run away scared, now i just sit, shaking, and let it cascade around me, as i hold the knife over my wrist.