Friday, Aug. 02, 2002/4:11 pm

"Why are you so quiet?"

"why are you so quiet? i hate quiet people..."

"Just start a conversation!"

I went round Cass's house yesterday, actually venturing out of the house. Later on, another friend of hers who i don't know, came over. It was pretty awful, im suck a freak, i managed about 3 sentences and a few nods of the head. She was pretty frustrated with me, i must have seemed so rude. Above is some of the things she said. I was actually shaking, with the fear, anxiety of just being with a new person. I kept thinking of things to say and even opening my mouth to speak but the words couldn't be spoken. I was terrified that i would say something wrong, but she probabley thought i was stupid anyway for being so insanely shy. I went about 20 minutes after she came, i needed to get out of there. I felt so awkward and out of place.

Something so normal like talking to people, being seen in a public place has become so traumatic for me, it's ridiculous. I have no confidence left. I just want to lock myself in tight, away from everything. It's much better for everyone that way.