Wednesday, Aug. 07, 2002/1:12 am

pointless existance

Everything seems so pointless. Struggling through this life i don't even want to be living. Even getting out of bed seems meaningless, when I'm just going to go back to sleep at the end of the day One sided friendships are just tiring, calling to check everyone's doing okay and listen to what they've been doing, just to be greated with awkward silences, and the sound of the TV or other people in the background. I know they don't want to speak to me anymore, and now i can't be bothered to make the effort to speak to them. Going out just causes a turmoil of unworthwile fear, i meet up with anyone as little as i can, just enough to attain this beautiful illusion that i'm fine.

I have no purpose at all, no reason to keep going. There's no talent inside me, even hidden in the depths of my soul, no sweet voice, no great creative ideas, no musical beat. The only different, "special" feature of me is these scars hidden under layers of clothing, or the truth that i fill and empty my body of food everyday. It seems all my effort goes into retching into that toilet and watching all my frustrations flush away, like this is all I'll ever amount to. My mood depends on what i eat, how I've coped, how much I've bled. My mind is set to a transit, basic thoughts confusing questions running through like bullets. I'm compressed into this block, of nothing.

What is my future going to be? all i can imagine is this bleak existence, the way i am right now but worse. Waiting to see which gives in first, my body or this temptation to give this boring story a sooner, escaping ending.

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about here anymore, rambling about crap as usual, sorry, it makes sense to me somehow.