Thursday, Aug. 08, 2002/10:00 pm

restaurant

Tonight i went out for a meal at a restaurant. All the time i was focused on where the meal would end up, down the toilet. I eat everything i thought would be easy to purge, soup for my starter, a small main course, white bread instead of brown because its softer. Drinking gulps of diet coke between mouthfuls. Looking at all the people eating happily around me and wondering how they can bear to keep their large roast portions down and feel okay about it.

I didn't have time to purge in the restaurant without my mum becoming suspicious so i told her that i was meeting a friend and asked her to drop me off at the swimming pool where i could use the toilets. i was in there for nearly half an hour, desperately trying to rid myself of all the filth that lay inside me, but my body seemed to be totally against it. Some of it came up but not nearly enough,i had no control, by the end of trying so hard my chest and ribcage were really tight and sore.

I left, then ran most of the way home in the drizzling rain, the drops gently sliding down my face. Now i feel so crushed and full. I took all those necessary decisions hoping for an easy purge to achieve practically nothing. I know ill cut later, it's only a matter of time before I'll have to punish myself and slash into my huge, fat stomach.

I had been losing some weight this week as well, not really eating much at all and fasting some days. i better not have gained alot from this, i will be completely angry at myself if i do. My mums going back to work next week so it will be easier to eat nothing, especially in the morning anyway. I WILL lose weight before i go back to school, in just over a month. I must look thinner. I need some laxatives, i wish i was older so i could have my own credit card and order them of the internet. I don't think I'll ever be able to buy them in a shop, I'd be so worried that they'd question me or ask what i wanted them for. I keep worrying that everyone can somehow tell that I'm totally messed up, as though my protective barrier is invisible and they can see the genuine frown that I'm trying so hard to cover over.