Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002/9:45 pm

filling the void

I binged again tonight, ruined the fast i've been on since Monday. I think i did it just to fill the void, the void that lays within me, this loneliness, this empty space. Hunger or temptation had nothing to do with it. After flushing it all down the toilet i cut away at my thigh, just to feel the pain and try to erase the sin.

The weightloss has made me more determined to lose more. All the energy has been knocked out of me, I'm wandering around half asleep. I'm drowning and the only way i can deal with it is by starving myself. I'm bingeing less often and when i do i make sure i rid myself of everything, i can't even be bothered to throw up water everyday now to keep in my routine. I've just given up. Given up on life, given up on my friends who don't understand and given up on myself, the only thing i won't give up on is getting thin.

I need to go and exercise now just to make sure i won't gain by tomorrow. Then i have to wash up the plates i used for my binge, make sure the bathrooms clean and put all the wrappers in my bin. This is all my life has become and i can't do a single thing to change it.