Sunday, Oct. 13, 2002/10:28 pm

fading

I'm freezing, and so tired, i just want to bury my head under the covers and drift away, away from all this noise, all these thoughts. This weekend was bad, yesterday i binged/purged 3 times, today again eat nothing. I won't eat tommorrow, or the next day hopefuly, i'll find a way. My hands are the worst they've ever been from purging, bruised black and purple. i should put plasters on them or something incase someone notices, it's obvious why they're there. At work today they kept offering me food, looking at me strangely and saying i'm thin. What they see is not what i see, no way near. I feel so black, covered in filth that needs to be scrubbed away.

I think i've become the walking dead, my skin is so cold, i slump from space to space, collapse on random bits of furniture in a heap of exhaustion. I'm underneath the water, my minds flooded, poisened with hopelessness. The week ahead looks like a challenge, i don't know how i'm going to get through it. I promised myself to do some work this weekend, but no, not a single piece. Tommorrow i have to do an Oral presentation in English for GCSE. We were supposed to do it last Friday but ran out of time in the lesson, even so i was nearly crying all the way through, hoping time would work in my favour. Speaking infront of classes has to be one of my worst fears, i shake and turn an embarrasing garing red. Everyone just looking at me, and listening to my stumbling voice, reading the words flustered in a hury. I just feel sick to the stomach with the thought of it. argghhhh i'm such an idiot.