Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2002/5:56 pm

i know it all already

Bunked off the last two lessons this afternoon and came home, i knew noone would be here. I couldn't stand to be in school any longer, living this lie and i felt ready to collapse anyway, needed something inside me. I binged, purged when i got home, twice, my weights fluctuating around 7 stone. Even though i've been fasting it wouldn't shift from there, it's so frustrating, when that happens i just give up and binge. This time was no different i guess. Though i am not letting it slip, fasting again tommorrow. Hopefully now i've eaten something my body will let me go on to lose more.

This morning whilst i was on my way up to my tutor room there was this group of boys in my year sitting on the stairs. One of them blocked my way when i tried to go up. and said "ugly people arnt allowed past" They all laughed, i just stepped over them looking down, trying to hide the tears that started running down my face. i wish things like this wouldn't affect me so much but they do. I'm so timid and shy i can never stand up to anything. Put me in a fight with anyone and i would probabley get killed. Knowing i deserved the bruises and punches. I always believe any insults anyone gives me so i can't argue them. I am ugly, and i know it.

There are these two girls also, who keep laughing at me for no particular reason, just because of who i am. Apparently another girl i know, Jo, saw what they were doing and was upset about it so she told my tutor who talked to them. They havn't stopped, they just don't do it less obviousley. It does hurt me, but i don't blame them. There is lots to laugh at, they just can't resist. I'm an easy target, asking for it all.

What they don't know is that i hate myself much more than anyone else will. The things they tell me i think over in my head constantly, day after day, hour after hour. I watch the blood seep from my skin thinking those things. I'd never expect anyone else to look at me and not be disgusted.