Wednesday, Oct. 16, 2002/6:29 pm

going nowhere

I eat today, started the day off with more promises of fasting and ended up stuffing myself full and flushing it all away. 3 binges already, and my mums making tea now. Whenever i feel on steady ground, i get lifted of my feet and spun onto another course. I'm revolting, i eat a loads before bed yesterday too and just took 17 laxatives. I'm always going back and forth between these two places, binging, starving, binging, starving... any little thing can change it around. If only i could just find that middle ground, a balance between the two but i can't. My actions are set on a see-saw. Sitting at one end theres a gluttonous, lazy girl, with no control over herself, guilt lining her conscience. At the other end the same girl, but different, wears baggy trousers, shivering in the cold, white faced, dazed, tired but yearning her aim. Self hatred knaws at them both from the inside. Neither one happy.

I see the stupidity of it, running between pointless places, but it's the only way i cope, ironicly by trying to cope i pull myself furthur down. I won't start going into why and how i'm like this because it never leads me anywhere but confusion. Nothing's right, everything's wrong, and this is the way it's going to stay.