Friday, Oct. 18, 2002/11:52 pm

so fed up with this

Latley all i seem to be doing is laying around the house, bingeing, purging, practically living in pajamas. I've been off school "ill" in the last few days, again. I just can't be bothered with it, that's the story of my life. Everything just gets worse and worse, i can kid myself that it will all be better if i just lose a bit more weight but it dosn't. The feelings never go away. I try to block everything out with food, sedating myself with the exhaustion of living in this mess. These routines have worn me out completley. Anything i ever was has been rinsed away like water from a rung cloth.

My life seems to go along steadily for a while then something suddenly happens and everything blows up. I build the walls back up, with cardboard and selotape, hidden away, until the next time it gets broken through. Then i sit and wonder why? There are so many unanswered questions. It's all so up and down, always depending apon this life support machiene which can decide to skip a beat at any unexpected moment.

I feel so close to lifting my feet away from the edge, so sick of this mess, so...depressed. I couldn't leave, i couldn't hurt everyone, i never wanted to. I'm just so sick of everything, my face in the mirror, my thoughts, my voice. I dream of being able to swallow this all away with pills or let it bleed out through my veins. I don't want to live anymore, i gave up so long ago.