Monday, Oct. 21, 2002/8:17 pm

still alive

Slit wrists and arms last night, felt the stinging sensation as the blood trickled from my veins. Sat in my room at midnight, illuminated by the sky, i watched the raised lines of red appear as i dug the blade in deeper to let everything out. Then fell asleep holding tissues over the cuts.

Didn't go to school again today, i just couldn't face it. I don't know the last time i actually managed a whole week. It just gets to me, the atmosphere, talk about the future as i stare blankly away, the same people who i have nothing in common with anymore. I'll have to go tommorrow, my Mum will make me. I'll have to remember to take my razor and try to keep out of everyones way.

Eating's the same, binging alot and sometimes keeping some of the food in but amazingly maintaining a weight of about 103-105 pounds. I thought I would have gained loads. I'm taking so many laxatives though, never having less than 7 at a time. I'm out of control with them, just like everything else. My chest, throat, neck and back all really hurt, and everytime i purge a headache comes on, i sit crying by the loo afterwards wondering whats happened to me but still i can't stop. Everything just goes round in continuing circles, as i fall lower and lower. I'm so far away from reality.