Tuesday, Oct. 22, 2002/10:47 pm

silent

Sometimes i feel so invisible, so kept in the background, because i'm so quiet and everyone sees that as an excuse to ignore me. It's always so hard to catch someones attention if i need to speak to them, because they just look right past me. If i do get a chance to talk to someone they don't listen to what i'm saying, i'm feel so fucking ignored. I think i can care too much, i've been told this by many friends, they say i should stop worrying about other people and think about myself for a change. I'm always trying to make sure everyones ok, constantly making an effort to speak to them, but they never make the same effort back. Even if they do talk to me, i'll move away from them as quick as possible, and they never try to follow me, i hope that they can be honest with me but i soothe them with lies and lies which they usually take. I guess i'm a silent hipocrite, but it's all because i don't want them to be exposed to this hell i'm trapped in.

I've always been shy, ever since i was little. I don't know why really, i guess because of the way my family turned out. I was always the one trying to get out of P.E at school, scared of making a fool out of myself, and going red whenever i had to speak out in class but it was never this bad. I think i know why, it's because i let myself be a doormat, i let people pick me up and put me down when they feel like it. I always go back to being friends with people who have hurt me because i feel i deserve to be hurt. It's not so bad now, not as painful as it used to be, because now they all try to be nice just to make sure their not to blame if i go home and kill myself or something. I don't want their sympathy though, i want them to just go back to how they were before, their genuine smiles while they taunted me. It put me in my place, and to be honest deep down i liked that treatment because thats all i feel worthy of. Now they don't do as much i've learned how to make up for it myself.

So, i suppose thats how i got here, combined with low self esteem in the first place, feelings of inadiquecy. I get the impression my Dad is always looking down at me, never being satisfied, wanting a perfect role model daughter. I won't go into this now, i try to keep away from the subject of my Dad but i'm know i'll never be what he wants me to be. At times i think he must hate me. My brother has always been the popular one in the family, he has loads of friends and is one of the boys you have in your year that are full of confidence. I was just the geeky girl with glasses always knows to everyone as Matt's younger sister.

I really am the most self consciece girl in year 11, these boys this morning were laughing at me and saying they'd never spoken to me before in the 5 years we'd been at the school. Even though one of them definatley had, he used to trip me up, say "yuck" when he saw me and called me "weird eye girl" I do want to speak up sometimes, tell people what i think of things but the words seem to get stuck in my throat or come out as a quiet squeak. Even my clothes have become basic and boring, i love fashion, i love making up outfits, reading through magazines, seeing what would suit me. Though now i can't wear bright colours, scared someone will notice me, im clothed in blues, blacks, whites, and the occasional bit of red nowadays. I'm also persistently apoligising for everything, for everything i say and do, because i'm sorry that they have to put up with me at all.

I can't stop being like this, i can't just get over it and start holding my head up high. People just terrify me, because i feel so below everyone, and having their dirt marks trodden over my back seems like the way it's supposed to be. People who don't know about any of my problems would never believe it. The ones who throw footballs at me or make faces, tell them i'm bulimic or show them my cuts and they'd probabley be amazed. They bareley understand i'm a real person let alone one with feelings. I'm going to finish this now, i could go on writing for hours but i won't. I'm rambling again over pointless things. I just wish people would consider that i am real, im not just an object for everyones amusement, i guess it will never happen and i'll continue to treasure insults like praises, wishes never do come true.