Thursday, Oct. 24, 2002/10:52 pm

ugh

Things are the same. Binge after binge after binge, i hate this uncontrolable urge, i don't want the food but i can't distract myself from it. I even bought 6 chocolate bars at school today from the vending machiene and saved them for my evening b/p/. How revoltingly desperate am i? no, actually don't answer that. Last day of school before half term tommorrow, can't wait to get out of there! Not as if i go much anyway, i am such a fuckup. I went today, not yesterday though even though we only had a half day. My friends stopped by my house on their way home afterwards, I felt really insecure because i was just starting a binge when they turned up. It was like my two world nearly collided, i had to quickly hide all the food i had laid out in the kitchen so they didn't suss what i was upto. I looked a mess, a lazy mess and really just didnt want them there. They were too close to my teritory, my safe space that i don't want them to ever have to enter. It was weird, i almost felt naked, laid out bare, coldly exposed, wondering if they could tell what i had been doing, if they could see food traces round my mouth or sence my self disgust.

I want to smash all the mirrors i look into, and crush the glass into my skin. I walked into the girls toilets at school today, no one was in there, as soon as i saw my reflection i just impulsiveley banged my fists against it. An echo rang through the room but the reflection was still there. I just want to erase it, erase all of me, or bottle myself up in a jar and store it in the back of my cupboard and create a new person. Someone who isn't scared to be herself, who dosn't have to shield behind bleeding scars, someone with hope left inside them.