Thursday, Oct. 31, 2002/10:11 pm

damaged

I always feel so out of place amongst the laughing, confident, genuine people. I'm the imposter, always so aware of what i'm doing, if i'm doing or saying anything wrong. At the sleepover, all i kept thinking was why did she invite me? Do they really want me here? Why would anyone want to spend time with me? The drinking wasn't too bad, i sat on the stairs on my own, just solemn, picking unhealed cuts, or wondered around muttering my depressing thoughts. I'm so relieved i didn't go completley crazy this time. No matter how hard i make myself up, they must know i'm broken, even if they don't know any if the details, i feel so transparent, asthough theres a flashing neon sign above my head saying "complete mess". I watch my friends talk to each other, they seem so at ease, but whenever i'm speaking i'm always so wary of ever word i say, theres something inside me that's just waiting for me to trip up, analizing my actions, criticizing everything i do.

This morning we went down to buy breakfast because there wasn't much in the house. We got eggs, bread, sausages, beans...i watched as they eat it all, not even thinking about it, having more, sharing chocolate, unbothered by being seen indulging in food. I had nothing, i said i felt sick. As usual, everyone kept offering me food, saying i've got to eat something, as i continued to protest i didn't want any. I felt really bad for saying no, seeing the hurt in Katie's eyes as I shook away her plea that i have a slice of toast atleast. Though she was the one who defended me, told everyone to stop going on at me about it. She understood me once, we never have the chance to speak anymore, weve grown apart but she will deep down always be one of my best friends. I love her to bits, i don't think she realises how much i miss her.

At about 11 o clock last night five of us went out for a long walk. We were going through this open common and i suddenly became really dizzy and faint. I kept stumbling, everything was cloudy and spinning. I was shaking violently and got really pale. My friends had to hold me up, i felt ready to collapse. We got back to Cassie's in the end, after a while i felt a bit better, could walk on my own atleast, even if i was still out of it. I did a bloodtest when we got in, it was a bit low but that shouldn't have caused that affect, it's never been like that before. We hadn't been drinking much by then either. So hmmm what could it be? :s

I havn't been keeping anything down at all lateley, losing weight again quickly, still binging but making sure i get all of it out straight afterwards. Today i had really bad chest and stomach pains again, and the blood i saw when purging earlier is the worst it's ever been. It had been calming down before now but tonight it was just pouring from me. I know this isn't right.

Still i can't stop, i can't tear myself away for a moment just to find out what damage i've done. i havn't enough self worth to get any help. I hope i can sleep tonight, i am so tired, only got an hour and a half's sleep last night. Tommorrow i will wake up to another day, another day of pretending, hiding, and clinging to this pain. This film just keeps on running over and over.