Thursday, Dec. 05, 2002/4:21 pm

dead

The only word i can think of to describe myself at the moment is; dead.

I wake up everyday, drag myself to the scales in the bathroom, watch as the red numbers blink at me. If i've lost weight i'm put on a high, i'm getting somewhere, and it's all that matters. If i've gained weight i feel sick, angry, i swear not to eat for the next two days then later give in.

I'm very dizzy, can't stand without feeling faint. Theres constant stabbing pains in my stomach. I'm binging and purging at school. Cleaning endless toilets, sinks, walls, dumping bags in woods.

So numb.

I find myself wandering around supermarkets on a day skipping school. Staring at the rows of confectiory, going up and down the aisles several times, blank, trying to decide what to do with the money i just withdrew. Checking no one i know is around i shakily load up my arms with the carefuly chosen items. Walk quickly to the checkout with my head down, hoping not to get odd looks as i pay for the multipacks of chocolate and biscuits. Then sometimes go to a different shop, maybe the petrol station, splitting the food load and embarrasment between the two places. On the way home i rush, disgusted with myself, knowing what i'm about to do and how pointless it is, but those feelings are so familiar it makes no difference. I think of leaving the bags in a bin and not looking back but i can't, i need my fix.

It's always the same. I'm never going to be happy with myself. I can see my clothes getting looser on me, the soft jut of hipbones and ribs but i look in the mirror and hate that same image, a hideous mess. I don't know where i'm going, or what i want and why. I'm on my knees searching for something unknown and i won't stop until i find it.