I'm sitting here in tears, after just having an argument on the phone with Dad. Well it was more one sided than that, basically coming down to him despairing over how stupid and dissapointing i am and me apologising over and over. I could feel them slipping, warm droplets flooding my eyes, but i just tried to choke it down while i spoke. After the call was ended i fell to pieces.

I hate the way he can do that to me, so easily grinding me down, making me feel like just a fraction of a person. I am useless and i should never be able to forget it. He makes me feel so guilty, guilty for being clumsy, and not intelligent or pretty as he would like me to be. I never do anything right, always wrong. Remember Matthew is the one with the brains, the only reason he hasn't achieved higher grades is because he is lazy. Those have been my Father's exact words in the past.

My achievements are nothing to him, but my failures are extreme.

If only he knew the real me. Then, he wouldn't be able to stand the sight of me. Like i can't stand the sight of myself.

Fuck, i am crying again. This is pathetic. Pull yourself together.

Just 9 days till i fly over to America, and i am looking forward to it so much. I can't wait to escape from here. It's funny, but although i will be miles and miles away from home i will probably feel safer there than here. Because Gwen will be there, and she understands me inside and out. She knows just how hard every single day can be.

I am so very hidden within myself. Scurrying around inthe background, avoiding the glare of lights or attention. Buying my binge food, eating in my bedroom and excusing myself for yet another bath. They know, of course they do, the unspoken truth.

Oh, my blood test results came back from the doctors. HBA1C was 11.6, she was worried about it but to be honest, i am not, to me that is actually quite acceptable. They once again found microalbimum in my urine, and my cholestrol was slightly higher. A fact that makes me feel disgusting, images of my blood floating with fat. As usual she will not take any action without advice from the diabetic team, i have an apointment on the 31st August, for now i am putting it to the back of my mind.

On Wednesday i was supposed to be going out with some friends, just having a wander around, drinking, laughing, talking. The sort of fun that normal people my age like to have, look forward to, enjoy. I could not last the night, i just felt like i was sitting on the ground looking up and everyones round faces. Depressed and trying to cover it over, but failing miserabley, in the end just fading out to quiet. I fled at the first chance, they were ID'ing at the bar and i didn't have mine with me, i mumbled something about having to leave because i wasn't allowed to be in there and ran. Onto the train, back home, binge, purge, sleep.

Today i have spent the time sitting in coffee shops munching on food i can't afford. Using their sparkling clean bathrooms to throw it all back up again, the glistening porcelein tarnished with my shame.

Whatever happens, it always leads back to here.

I am sorry i have nothing better to say.