I don't know...how, what...to say. I'm just feeling so choked up, tears resting silently in my eyes but held back with fading strength. I am being triggered all around today, at the moment i am just so upset i want to hide beneath my duvet cover. In the dark where i can curl up within myself.

When will this hatred ever leave? It is fed by so much around me. I see my face in a passing car and i want that car to knock me down. After i've realised what i wished for, the loathing is intensified with note of such selfishness.

I am a terrible friend. I am always trying to split myself apart that i never can help anyone enough.

I am irritating, annoying. Every word i speak is wrong, out of place, inappropriate. Insensitive. Clumsy.

I am ugly. I am greedy. Gluttonous. I am irresponsible with money and my belongings. I do not appreciate them enough.

I'm useless. All i can do is cry and that doesn't benefit anyone.

Knock here but there is nobody home. I'm running. Running from the reflection in the mirror.

Your amazing but i am not worth the dirt you walk upon.

Today has been so depressing. I had the orthodontist this morning at 9am, they were supposed to be taking my brace off to start the reconstruction of my two front teeth soon. They said my cleaning wasn't up to scratch, and this isn't the first time they have said that. I am such a failure. For so many years i've been waiting to have a smile to be proud of. I get so depressed over the state of it all that i just don't see the point in taking care of them, of taking care of me. I know that even when or if they are finished i will always feel so self conscious about it all. The feeling is printed on me with permanant ink.

From there i went to the buffet. I sat on my own in the corner, with my food, smiling when the waitress asked me if i wanted a drink refill, saying please and thank you each time. 11 plates, 17 slices of pizza, numerous portions of salad and hot pasta. Up to the bathroom to empty twice and then a final purge at the end. I only planned to have two sessions, but that extended to three as i fell further down, sinking with no will to climb. I was the only person there alone, everyone else had companions, i felt so sad. I wasn't exhilerated, it didn't matter what was going into me, as long as i kept stuffing it in.

I watched groups of people, chatting, laughing over their meals, a family with children or a group of school boys. This trip was leisure for them, their sole purpose was not the same as mine. My twisted obsession, fixation on the food, impotance focused on what different toppings the pizzas had or whether they were putting out a new tray of the hot cheesy penne. I would have said it was delicious, but to be honest i don't even know, i wasn't tasting it. Next to me sat three girls, gossiping, content, confident. So normal that hearing their conversation hurt. They were later replaced by a teenage couple, taking photos on their camera phones and smiling with such life. I wanted to lean over and tell the girl that she was beautiful. Other people came and went, whilst i stayed. Munching, recieiving strange looks of worry, but pretending it wasn't happening, Pretending they weren't really there. I was in my own little capsule, they couldn't touch me. They wouldn't dare comment.

I somehow managed to drag myself on from there nearly 2 hours later, exhausted and paranoid. I swear everyone was looking at me, my fat legs and arms, my stomach, my messed up face. Should have put more make-up on. Should have worn something different. Just look down, look away. Next i bought shoes, and underwear, and some 'essentials' for America. Sticking it all on my credit card, topping it straight up to my limit again. I have three of them now. They are all full. Pulled down by heavy bags on the way home, i flopped down on a chair in the train, so tired that i dosed off for a couple of minutes. The last few hours a complete blur, left just with a handful of receipts and the taste of vomit in my mouth,

I do not deserve the money i am given. I shouldn't be allowed it. I am horrible, awful. I can't...do this. It's so pathetic. Laugh at me, it is all i am good for.

My sugars are high and they are staying that way. Fucking bitch. I shouldn't be given insulin either. They should just let me die, it would rid the world of an extra parasite. /Sorry for such dramatics./ Attention seeker. Your just a waste of space.

I need to be locked away in a box, the key discarded. Left to suffocate in my own putrid air.