In twenty four hours time i will be sitting on an aeroplane after just leaving Heathrow on my way to meet Gwen. The flight will last eleven and a half hours. It almost seems unreal. I can't believe it is happening.

I'm starting to feel slightly nervous, just that butterflies in your stomach sensation. I am not worried about staying with her, we've been friends for so long now, i'm just terrified that for some reason she won't like me. I'm trying not to think about that though, i know she'd tell me it's silly and that she is looking forward to it just as much as i am.

I just can't wait to see her at the airport, and give her a much deserved hug. She has been trying so much recently, despite struggling alot and i am proud of her for that, so proud.

I'm going to miss Mum, it will be the longest stretch of time we have been without contact. She has said that she will miss me too, but that also she will notice the difference in the rate food dissapears from the fridge. This scares me, she will find out how deceitful i have been, she will calculate the difference between the amount she usually spends on groceries and the smaller rate she needs while i am not around. She will realise how awful i am, how selfish and greedy, how much i have been binging and purging.

I will miss Matthew too, and my kitties. I will miss this little town and the green surroundings. But to that there is so much that i will not miss. This house, and all that it has witnessed. Her boyfriend and his hurtful comments, the accepted denial of the harm i continue to inflict upon myself. I will not miss sitting in my bedroom alone, with food as my only company, walking back from kitchen to bathroom and crashing onto my bed exhausted. I will not miss the lonliness.

I have to go and finish packing now. I have pink suitcases :). I would take my whole wardrobe if i could, i couldn't decide on shoes so i'm taking 8 pairs! Oops. I've been trying on clothes this morning which has been pretty disasterous, tears and frustration as i feel the tightness of my jeans, and my gorgeous butterfly dress which takes an effort to zip up. It's just horrible. I wish i was thin. Mum was trying to persuade me to take my bikini but there is no way i am exposing my stomach. It is remaining here in my underwear drawer and i'm taking a swimming costume instead.

I should be able to update a bit while i am over there, so will let you all know what we're upto and how i've been getting on. I have a lot of postcards to send too, so some of you might find one waiting for you on your doormat. Please try to take care, you know i will worry. I'm sure i'll have lots to say when i am back on the 8th of August.