If i blink for a moment the shot is captured, but then the dust starts to flutter again, the snow falling infront of my eyes, stars shooting out of a picture. It's pretty, almost reasuring. That weak-heart, jump of your breath, this hazy trance like feeling. Comfortabley numb.

I am home, survived the flight despite awful sickness. It feels so strange to be here, like i don't know what to do with myself. I've only been away two weeks but everything seems tidier, and the bathroom is glistening clean. It will be noted if that changes. We are probably going to the supermarket later and i have no idea whether to buy safe foods, or just to blow it all like i usually do, slip back into that routine that got me nowhere. Maybe i'll end up with a mixed basket. I managed to get atleast one if not two or three days purge free in America, i'm not certain as i was throwing up because of DKA some nights and don't want to count those.

I feel like an imposter, wherever i go, i've realised that now. After idealising an image of safety, of being able to enjoy myself and laugh without guilt, it was all make believe, fantasy, like the cobbles of disneyland that we walked upon. I'd made an image in my mind that could not be achieved, because i cannot change me. I will always end up feeling sorry for those who have to spend time with me.

I have managed to lose alot of weight. With a harsh drop of 11 pounds in not so many days, it's not even as if i was trying. I do feel slightly deflated, although at the moment somehow floating on air, it will filter away soon, slowly i will crash.

I still don't understand what went wrong. Looking back, trying to pick everything apart, rake it through with a fine tooth comb. What did i say? Where did i go wrong? When was it that i began to irritate her? Was it from day one? if only i was nicer, or smarter, cleaner or more humerous... I know these questions will provide no answers, and i know Gwen would tell me the same.

Today, i will be trying to catch up on e-mails and messages online, as well as sorting through my suitcase and hopefuly finding some time to sleep. I am so weary it's amazing that i am awake at all. I'm sorry if i owe replies to some of you, i will get there eventually.