I'm not doing so great at the moment. I've got an awful cough and a cold. Eyes streaming, sore throat, i just feel terrible. It seems to have crept up on my unaware. I've taken quite a large dose of insulin today after surviving on as little as i could possibly could do for the past week, but my sugars are still very high. My doctor prescribed me some anti-biotics as she thinks i may have a kidney infection, i went to see her as i keep getting aching pains in my lower back. I also had to give a urine sample, and i'll get the results back on Wednesday.

I'm just sleeping alot, can't find the energy to do anything with myself. My hair is a mess, clothes dirty, face even worse.

I'm feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. Not as if i ever don't, but recently i've realised just how far i stand in the shadows. I went around a friends house at the weekend, before this sickness managed to pounce on me. Katie, Gwen (another Gwen), i hadn't seen them in a while, I adore Gwen, and Katie is a complete sweetheart, but amongst others i just felt like a goose swimming with swans. The ugly eye-sore, paddling loudly through the water whilst they glide with elegance. I am always so out of place. They laugh and chat and sit loosley while i stand awkwardly, so aware of my words, my utterly stupid ramblings. It is so obvious too, that i feel i do not belong, that i find it so difficult to fit in. I am always so quiet, so passive. I watched as they hugged each other, and smiled, such beautiful smiles, and i wanted it so much. But i can never have that, i can never calm myself, i will never be able to slip into social situations and feel okay inside this body. As usual i left early, the space from my departure hardly noticable.

& i couldn't stop thinking about food. They bought out a chocolate torte to share and it was right next to me, while we were up in katie's bedroom, and god i wanted some. But i couldn't, it was forbidden, what on earth would they have thought of me? Greedy pig. As soon as i got home i staretd eating, a sticky sultana danish, spounge cake, yoghurt...then 3 litres of Diet Coke throughout the night.

I think i'm going to write each of my friends a little card, before they all go off to university in September, just to tell them all how much they mean to me. I will miss them, at college alone with food my only comfort. Of course, it is my fault i am a year behind them all.

My weight hasn't dropped any further, although i wish it would. I'm sure this insulin i've taken won't help. I feel guilty.

& I can't stop worrying about other people, i hold no concern for myself.

This entry is so pointless. I'm sorry i have nothing better to say, just needed to let you all know i am still here. Although not entirely okay, surviving, somehow. I am going back to bed, to hide beneath the covers and pretend i am somewhere else.