I am so very weak. Not just on the outside, with these struggling gasps escaping from chapped lips, but on the inside too. I wish i could be just a little stronger.

I am a diluted character, a personality watered down with fear. There is so much going on in this head, a scrambled mess of ideas, thoughts, opinions, and yet i may as well know nothing. I hold back, keep it all locked inside behind this barrier, just in case i'm wrong, or i offend someone, or ohmygod they won't like me.

If your soft, sweet and always trying to give rather than take, there isn't much to be drawn as offensive. I know some people see me as fragile, scared to touch me incase i break. I never wanted people to feel they had to tip toe around me. I am very sensitive i suppose, but the blood shed i will deal with, just point the arrow and shoot.

I have to learn that i cannot possibly please everybody, no matter how hard i try. All i ever want to do is help others, but in doing so sometimes i start to pick away at myself. Neglect is easy when you have other people to focus on, other people to support and save.

I am not worth it. I can never get past that. It is what i truly believe. I'd love to be able to shock everyone, just once, and stick up for myself properly. Show them that i am not so feeble and useless afterall. But, how? How do i let myself speak out, be counted for, when i always feel so beaten down by my own guilt and shame.

I'm fuly aware of how frustrating i can be, with my apologies and the total lack of care for myself. The one charm i need is assertion, but i have been walking in passivity for so long, slipping into the background, a presence to be seen but not heard.

& still, i feel i should be saying sorry. My favourite word, it's pathetic. So pathetic.

My confidence is just Rock Bottom.

Someone wake me up. Wake me up from this dream world.