This headache has been with me all day. I can hardly think straight. Dizzy, disorientated, these keyboard characters only visible amongst stars and flecks. I keep making mistakes.

I am really not well, i can't deny it. Sky high sugars, violent vomitting at 5am last night, sitting shaking, heart racing. Mouth so, so dry, drinking an excess of soda and juice that just agravates my stomach even more. My cough has been so bad that the doctor had to prescribe me an inhaler. I feel like i could faint at any moment but of course, my body never gives in.

& i know, i need to take my insulin. The miracle cure that will make me feel better. But i just can't let myself have that. I inject small amounts, in an attempt to pretend i am compliant. I am trying, but obviously just not hard enough.

My weight is dropping once more, and my hopes are dropping with it. I have to be thinner. Mum says i look disgusting, that my ribs are protruding, but i am so far from my lowest number, this is nothing. She also says i am a recluse, that i need to 'get a life' and she is right, i am keeping myself locked away from the world, the way it has to be.

I am scared, but when am i ever not? It is pathetic. I may as well have a reason for that fear, a justification.

I have been sleeping most of the day. Woke up at around 12 for about half an hour and then went back down again. Aside from the frequent hazy trips to the bathroom and kitchen for another drink.

I am not eating much aside from my own food. I just feel too guilty. Comments made by my brother have just confirmed that i am a greedy pig. I am spending so much money at the supermarket, the debts are rising but my shame is yet to be soothed. I keep buying him items here and there too, his favourite strawberry and orange crush, a plougmans wedge, ice cream. My way of an apology.

I am incredibley tired. I have had a yoghurt, a brie and tomato sandwich without the crusts (my mouth was too dry), followed by a brief trip to the toilet bowl. I don't even know if i want to eat, or what else i want to do. Sleeping seems the only option.

I wish i could just wake up in a new place, somewhere comforting and warm, somewhere i belong.