I am so unattractive.

Feeling so anxious this morning, i didn't want to leave the house. The thought of sitting on the bus amongst people, people that could see me, made my stomach churn in fear. I even begged my Mum to take me to college in the car, offered to pay the petrol costs but she couldn't, wouldn't. She shouldn't have to, i should be able to stand on my own two feet and not be so scared and stupid all the time.

But i managed it somehow. With my head down, avoiding eyes, avoiding life. I went to my English Literature lesson, we're studying Virginia Woolf's 'Mrs Dalloway' and i love it, she is such a talented writer. Most of the rest of my class dislike it, think it's hard going and boring, but i am just in awe of those words that rise so easily up from the page.

Afterwards i left. I had Media Studies but just couldn't do it. English was okay, with the quiet air, just voices reading outloud, I didn't have to participate or raise my voice. But that was it, i just wanted to go home and curl up defeated.

Back to food. Back to this.

I have such a headache, a pounding in my head that just won't subside. I need to take some insulin, yet knowing what i need to do doesn't usually make a difference.

I look awful. Like a tramp, my hair is a mess and i haven't plucked my eyebrows for weeks. I am so ugly, nobody should have to see me. My friends must laugh with the knowledge that i am considering studying fashion journalism at college. I am always such a mess. Too tired, too depressed, too weak. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

My weight is just...unacceptable. I just want to get out. I have confessions to make - sometimes i keep down small snacks, yoghurts, flapjacks, even bowls of cereal. Sometimes i can't stop myself from eating during the night. Sometimes when i get into college and it's freezing cold i have a small latte to warm me up. I am so ashamed, deeply. Ashamed that i might actually be helping myself a little, even if healing is not the intention. I should be getting rid of it all. The truth is i am always so hungry, greedy, it is frightening how much i am attatched to food, and i am so worried that i am just going to continue to gain and gain until i have to kill myself.

There is no point in being underweight when i look in the mirror and just want to cry and cry until i can't see the image anymore. & still i wish to shrink away to nothing, a whisper sent through the wind. I don't want to exist like this.