I've hardly slept at all. It was nearly four am when i finally dozed off and now it's just past six thirty. I feel shattered yet my eyes are wide awake. Strung up in some hazy, false form of existance. I was binging close to the time my head hit the pillow, while finishing one book and starting another. I am probably going to begin eating again soon. It is inevitable, i feel like a drug addict holding off the first line, but knowing it is going to happen in the end.

I am itching all over with dry skin, and the night sweats are still pretty bad. It's horrible. I feel so...human, it's such a reminder that i am real and that these veins too pump blood. It disgusts me, i want to stay detatched from the body i so intensely loathe.

The past week has been hectic, good at times, but stressful. Monday night i went to a Natalie Imbruglia concert with the beautiful Hayley. [I am so, so proud of her at the moment, she is amazing and it was so lovely to see her again.] On Wednesday the poet laureatte, Andrew Motion came into college to do a reading, and then a handful of the students including me, were able to do a poetry workshop with him. It was really interesting, he just spoke for a while about his own work and then let us have a go ourselves at putting some words down. Some shared their work, and i am so glad he did not pick me, i really didn't want to read aloud. The desire to shrink from any space i posess is so strong at the moment. If only that transferred to weight loss, i feel so huge. As i sacraficed my day off for the poetry i was exhausted by Friday, and so hence another absence. It makes me so frustrated, that i can't even manage a whole 5 days in a row. That has to be more than depression or weakness, it is laziness.

I'm just about to open a can of Pringles. Pop, and here we go again. I wish i could just sleep like a normal person. I feel so alone in the dark here and i just want a hug.