I really don't feel good at the moment, but instead extremely weak, emotionally drained inside. I can't seem to give my self peace, my head is always working overtime, pestering me with thoughts i just want to forget. Questions rolling around with no answers.

I've had enough.

I know i need help, that i will never get away if i can't accept that. But where do i go? When i am so used to this dim light and solitude the idea of reaching out into the light scares me so much.

But what is the alternative? Stay miserable, keep moaning, pulling up the same ramblings over and over again. Walk through the motions day in, day out until suddenly it all caves in. Is this slow suicide? I don't know. Right now i wouldn't mind being dead. It has always been my guilt that has held me back.

I guess it's all about survival. I can't cope so i have to crawl into myself, shut my eyes and drift from reality. Close the curtains and convince myself tommorrow will be allright. Tommorrow i won't have to hide.

I wish i was in control. I want to stop, i want to shake myself and shout and scream. I want to be able to speak up and not be so pathetic. But how will frustration ever help? I need to act, i need to pull myself together.

I can eat around people now. My weight is up, i'm keeping more food down. I should be okay. I should be moving foward. Why do i feel like i am falling back? Falling further down into this tidal wave of depression. I can't deal with letting myself get better. I am ashamed of being here.

I'm so tired, so tired and sick. I hope i'll be able to sleep tonight. I need that so much.